my revelation.....

Here I sit at 5am, unable to sleep, just hours before walking my second 5k, having been up most of the night with a sick little one. You know how these things work....your mind wanders, into strange little crevices you don't dare enter for fear of having to actually deal with your stupid hang-ups. Well folks....that is me for the last few hours, and no matter how I try to ignore it, my brain keeps saying, "deal with it dumbass".
So, here goes....
First, let me say that I have never been skinny, by that I mean I have always been a size 12+, my family says pretty much since puberty. I was still active, loved riding bikes and such, but no exercise fanatic by any means. I've always prided myself on finding the closest parking spots....hehehe uugghhhh.
Let me add  that I was blessed with my mother's height, 5'2". Acutally, I am taller than she was. So being a size 12+ and short to boot changes my whole image....just a teensy bit. But I digress.

When I met my hubby I was around 230. He loves me, always has, loves my body, thinks I'm perfect, wouldn't ask me to change myself for anything in the world. So that should make me happy with myself. Problem solved. Move on to solving world peace or some other such nonsense, Right?
Hell NO!!! I am a woman after all....the most screwed up creature on the planet when it comes to self image. So I look at myself critically day-in and day-out wondering what the quickest/easiest thing to change is for the most dramatic and noticeable results.

After having my first son, I was still at the same weight as before. I had been horribly sick the entire pregnancy and actually lost weight throughout. So while I wasn't happy with my weight, at least I hadn't gained. So I could live with that. Sortof.
During the triplet pregnancy, it was pretty much the same. Actually maintaining the pregnancy was quite difficult because for the first 4 months or so I could barely keep enough food down to even be considered a healthy pregnancy....but I did the best I could...even though at every appointment I would have lost 3 or 4 more pounds. So that by the time I delivered and had my 6 week post checkup I was down around 195. Down 35 pounds !!!  (Not a recommend weight loss tool, in case you were wondering.)
Let's just say that I took that weight loss for granted AKA got caught up in just trying to keep up with 4 kiddos under the age of 3. In other words, those pounds I had lost.....found their nasty little way back to me....mostly on my ass.

So, here is where I am was totally out of my rational thinking. When I in my early 20's I had this strange ideal for myself. I too could be a size 5 just like all those other skinny bitches lovely ladies I saw wearing cute hip clothes. No more shopping in the plus department, where at 20ish I had very few choices unless I loved floral prints the size of my head. But no matter how I starved myself it just didn't work...what was I doing wrong? It works in the movies, and for the models....yada yada yada
So, needless to say, it took me many, many, many years to realize and accept the fact that I just wasn't meant to be a size 5. How could all of those 'ideal body weight' charts have been so wrong. Oh...I know. A man invented them...explains it all. I mean seriously, how can every 5'2" woman in the world weigh 'at max' 145. How the hell is that 'realistic'.?

So, fast forward to...let's say....the last 10 months or so. I am a member of a trip/quad mom support group. An awesome group of ladies that actually 'get it' when it comes to dealing with raising so many kids. So, we decided to start a Biggest Loser group. Which brings me partially to my ranting this fine, early, crack of dawn September morning.....another BL mom posted that since December she has lost 30 pounds. That is awesome and I am so happy for her. I know she has worked hard for that.
Because the revelation here is that it took me 37 years to let my body get to the point of being 245 pounds. The heaviest I have ever been. I can't believe I am even typing this for any stranger that finds my page to read. I am literally in tears as I type and my hands are shaking and I'm feeling all sweaty nervous that people might know what I really weigh.
What a fucked up society that can make a grown woman with a loving husband and 4 wonderful children feel like a complete failure for not having it all together, or at least their idea of 'together'.

And, I guess it will take longer than 10 months to get to a healthier point. I mean 37 years compared to 10 months. No question which side has been winning.....up to this point. But no more, I am done. From now on, I am going to do my best every day to become just a little bit healthier. And, I know it won't happen overnight or even in a month or six months. It will be for the rest of my life that I have to make these changes. What do I want to weigh? I don't care, I don't know and I may never know. What I do know is that I owe it to myself and my family to be healthier....hell, as healthy as I can be. So that I can be a better happier person for myself and them.
And maybe, just maybe, show my children that it's okay to not be 'perfect'.
And it would be really nice to leave that damn 'plus size' department and never need to enter it again.
And, just to be fair, I am actually at 230 now. Yes, folks, I have lost 15 in the last 8 or so weeks. We are on our second round of BL.

So, if you see me and I am being a littly bitchy, self deprecating, not accepting compliments etc.....bear with me. It has taken my entire life to get to this point and it will take a little while longer to change my thinking habits as well as my thoughts on myself.

coming out of the woodwork.....

So I think this crazy computer is FINALLY back to normal. At least I hope so, although it still won't print....I'm working on that part.

We have a busy weekend coming up but after that I'm hoping to get some things posted that I've been thinking about.
Today and Saturday we have Sean Gnekow at our store for a wine tasting. He owns Gnekow Family Winery (Campus Oaks wines) located near Lodi and is a really fun guy. Plus, we have the monopoly on him in Cincy.

Oh, and d starts kindergarden on Monday. I am SOOO ready, if only he had all-day school...but I'll take what I can get.

On a different note, I discovered this blog a while back (don't remember how) and want to share it with all moms. She is an incredible woman (her hubby also) and makes me realize that things could be so much tougher. They were in a small airplane that crashed August 2008 and suffered life-threatening burns (with 4 children at home). Their perseverance is truly inspiring.
Visit:
NIENIE

Take care everyone and have a great weekend...see you next week.

CONGRATS!!!!!!

Guess what?!?!
Dad & Carol were married today!
WooHoo!
He finally made an honest woman of her after 8 years. Now I really can say she is my step-mom, but not the evil kind...hehehehe...

Way to go Dad & Carol. I'm very happy for both of you.
Love Ya!

funeral etiquette???

Okay....so this has been bothering me..so here goes....
The other day I was driving down the road in town and a funeral procession passed by me. Now, growing up in the south we were always told to pull over to show respect for the grieving family, so I stopped to let the procession pass me. No one else stopped or even slowed down and some even honked at me for stopping. I was so pissed off about this. I mean it takes only about a minute for all the cars to go by and people have such little regard for others that they are too busy to show just a little respect?? I mean come on...
Is this something that happens in other parts of the country? Do only people in the south care enough to stop for one minute of their day?
If these same rude people were in that funeral procession you know they would want to have the road cleared for them to get through as a group.
This is something that happens from time-to-time and it always makes me so mad. I'm always complaining about it to M.
pheeewwww.....okay, I am better now......

great news!!!

My friend Michelle that I told you about below is awake today!!
The doctors have said if she can stay awake for an hour then they will take her off the ventilator. This is wonderful news. She has had a couple of bad days of not being responsive but this is a huge turn-around.
They also said if someone is talking to her she will turn her head to see them.
Please keep praying for Michelle. She still has a very long road to recovery.

People.........and their small minds

Here is a classic example of what is wrong with people today.

M and I were at breakfast this morning and there was a table of ladies beside us talking. Apparently, one of these ladies is living in Asia for a couple of years because her husband is teaching at a university. They are living the 'typical' life abroad...you know, where they have their own driver, house furnished and don't have to do anything for themselves.

Can we all relate here? Nah, didn't think so.

Her biggest complaint was their house is in a neighborhood with a lot of........wait for it....... Asians....Um, hello.....you are living in Asia, lady.

Here is part of what was said:

Lady A: So how do you get to the mainland to shop?

Lady B: We take the train.

Lady A: But how does the train get across the water?

Lady B: It goes through the underwater tunnel.

Lady A: Oh!

Lady: Yeah, the Asian's stole that from us...just like they steal everything else from us.

I almost spit my food all over the table. I mean holy crap. What a thing to say, especially in public.

Here is a small history lesson......In 1818, a french engineer (Marc Brunel) invented a device that enabled workers to tunnel under rivers without having mud and water ruin their efforts. It took nine years to finish a 1,200-foot passage below the Thames River in London-the first underwater tunnel in the world-but Brunel was knighted for his feat and engineers around the world began adopting his idea.

So, unless that chick was French (she wasn't) those 'Asians' didn't steal it from her.

I'll step down off the soapbox now....thank you very much....no, please stop the applause.....no really....