Saturday, September 11, 2010

my revelation.....

Here I sit at 5am, unable to sleep, just hours before walking my second 5k, having been up most of the night with a sick little one. You know how these things work....your mind wanders, into strange little crevices you don't dare enter for fear of having to actually deal with your stupid hang-ups. Well folks....that is me for the last few hours, and no matter how I try to ignore it, my brain keeps saying, "deal with it dumbass".
So, here goes....
First, let me say that I have never been skinny, by that I mean I have always been a size 12+, my family says pretty much since puberty. I was still active, loved riding bikes and such, but no exercise fanatic by any means. I've always prided myself on finding the closest parking spots....hehehe uugghhhh.
Let me add  that I was blessed with my mother's height, 5'2". Acutally, I am taller than she was. So being a size 12+ and short to boot changes my whole image....just a teensy bit. But I digress.

When I met my hubby I was around 230. He loves me, always has, loves my body, thinks I'm perfect, wouldn't ask me to change myself for anything in the world. So that should make me happy with myself. Problem solved. Move on to solving world peace or some other such nonsense, Right?
Hell NO!!! I am a woman after all....the most screwed up creature on the planet when it comes to self image. So I look at myself critically day-in and day-out wondering what the quickest/easiest thing to change is for the most dramatic and noticeable results.

After having my first son, I was still at the same weight as before. I had been horribly sick the entire pregnancy and actually lost weight throughout. So while I wasn't happy with my weight, at least I hadn't gained. So I could live with that. Sortof.
During the triplet pregnancy, it was pretty much the same. Actually maintaining the pregnancy was quite difficult because for the first 4 months or so I could barely keep enough food down to even be considered a healthy pregnancy....but I did the best I could...even though at every appointment I would have lost 3 or 4 more pounds. So that by the time I delivered and had my 6 week post checkup I was down around 195. Down 35 pounds !!!  (Not a recommend weight loss tool, in case you were wondering.)
Let's just say that I took that weight loss for granted AKA got caught up in just trying to keep up with 4 kiddos under the age of 3. In other words, those pounds I had lost.....found their nasty little way back to me....mostly on my ass.

So, here is where I am was totally out of my rational thinking. When I in my early 20's I had this strange ideal for myself. I too could be a size 5 just like all those other skinny bitches lovely ladies I saw wearing cute hip clothes. No more shopping in the plus department, where at 20ish I had very few choices unless I loved floral prints the size of my head. But no matter how I starved myself it just didn't work...what was I doing wrong? It works in the movies, and for the models....yada yada yada
So, needless to say, it took me many, many, many years to realize and accept the fact that I just wasn't meant to be a size 5. How could all of those 'ideal body weight' charts have been so wrong. Oh...I know. A man invented them...explains it all. I mean seriously, how can every 5'2" woman in the world weigh 'at max' 145. How the hell is that 'realistic'.?

So, fast forward to...let's say....the last 10 months or so. I am a member of a trip/quad mom support group. An awesome group of ladies that actually 'get it' when it comes to dealing with raising so many kids. So, we decided to start a Biggest Loser group. Which brings me partially to my ranting this fine, early, crack of dawn September morning.....another BL mom posted that since December she has lost 30 pounds. That is awesome and I am so happy for her. I know she has worked hard for that.
Because the revelation here is that it took me 37 years to let my body get to the point of being 245 pounds. The heaviest I have ever been. I can't believe I am even typing this for any stranger that finds my page to read. I am literally in tears as I type and my hands are shaking and I'm feeling all sweaty nervous that people might know what I really weigh.
What a fucked up society that can make a grown woman with a loving husband and 4 wonderful children feel like a complete failure for not having it all together, or at least their idea of 'together'.

And, I guess it will take longer than 10 months to get to a healthier point. I mean 37 years compared to 10 months. No question which side has been winning.....up to this point. But no more, I am done. From now on, I am going to do my best every day to become just a little bit healthier. And, I know it won't happen overnight or even in a month or six months. It will be for the rest of my life that I have to make these changes. What do I want to weigh? I don't care, I don't know and I may never know. What I do know is that I owe it to myself and my family to be healthier....hell, as healthy as I can be. So that I can be a better happier person for myself and them.
And maybe, just maybe, show my children that it's okay to not be 'perfect'.
And it would be really nice to leave that damn 'plus size' department and never need to enter it again.
And, just to be fair, I am actually at 230 now. Yes, folks, I have lost 15 in the last 8 or so weeks. We are on our second round of BL.

So, if you see me and I am being a littly bitchy, self deprecating, not accepting compliments etc.....bear with me. It has taken my entire life to get to this point and it will take a little while longer to change my thinking habits as well as my thoughts on myself.

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